A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married with in a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?" Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
An old man in Tennessee was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and, to the old mans surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says, "It's a pussy willow." Old man says, "Wait up .... I'll get my hat!"
A couple is at an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says "Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it." The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis." The Irish artist says "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.
An eight year old boy and
his Father were walking through a drug store when the boy noticed the
condom display. He said, "Daddy, what are those?"
His father replied
"Those are condoms son and they are
used for safe sex The boy said,
"oh, OK, I've heard of that in school." He
noticed the three pack and said to his father, "Daddy, who uses those."
His father replied, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for
Saturday and one for Sunday"
Then the boy looked at the six pack and said, "daddy, who uses those." " His
father replied, "Son, those are for college boys. Two for Friday, two for
Saturday and two for Sunday."
"Oh" the boy says. Then the boy looks at a big twelve pack and says, "And daddy,
who uses these."
His father looks at him one last time and says, "Son, those are for married men,
One for Jan, one for Feb, one for March.......
I gangen på gamlehjemmet kjører fru
Nilsen rundt med rullestolen sin og lager billyder.
Idet hun passerer gamle Karlsens rom, spretter han fram og sier:
"Unnskyld frue, men du kjørte litt for fort. Kan jeg få se førerkortet ditt?"
Hun roter rundt i veska si og gir ham et gammelt
sukkertøypapir.
Gamle Karlsen ser på det, nikker og sender henne videre.
Hun fortsetter sin tur opp og ned gangen. Igjen hopper gamle
herr Karlsen ut fra rommet sitt og stopper henne:
"Unnskyld frue, men de stoppet ikke for stoppskiltet der borte. Kan jeg få se
vognkortet ditt?"
Hun roter rundt i veska si og gir han en gammel kvittering. Han ser på den, nikker og sender henne videre.
Hun fortsetter sin tur og lager billyder etter beste evne.
Idet hun passerer rommet til gamle Karlsen igjen, hopper han ut i gangen foran
henne.
Denne gangen er han splitter naken, og hans edlere deler står rett til himmels.
Gamle fru Nilsen ser opp på ham, og sier med beklagelse i
stemmen:
"Å nei, nå må jeg blåse i alkotester'n nå igjen!"
Mange undersøkelser har i den siste tiden konkludert med at en av kvinners mest vanlige fantasier er å ha to menn på samme tid. Hva menn syntes å ha gått glipp av er hvorfor: Kvinner vil ha en mann til å lage mat, den andre kan vaske huset.
En dag i paradis roper Eva på gud
. - Hva er det Eva? Her har jeg laget ett helt paradis bare til deg og du er
fortsatt ikke fornøyd?
- Vel, nå har jeg spist epler i en evighet, jeg har gått lange turer, men jeg
begynner ærlig talt å kjede meg. Kan du ikke skaffe meg noe eller noen jeg kan
leke med?
- Vel, svarer Gud, jeg antar jeg kan skaffe deg en mann
- Hva er en mann? spør Eva
- En mann er ett annet menneske, han er større enn deg, sterkere og slettes ikke
verst i sengen. Men han kommer til å trenge råd og vink av deg, for uten deg er
han fortapt. Du kan få ham, om du vil, på en betingelse.
- Hvilken betingelse, spør Eva ivrig.
- Du må sverge på å holde fast på historien om jag skapte mannen først.
En kvinne gikk tur i parken med hunden sin. Etter en stund
slapp hun den løs og fikk den til å utføre flere triks som å sitte, stå, ligge
hente osv. En mann som så dette ble mektig imponert, han gikk bort til kvinne og
spurte:
- Hvordan greier du å få hunden til å gjøre alle disse tingene, jeg har jobbet
med min egen hund i to år og den vil fortsatt ikke ligge stille.
- Vel, svarte damen, hunder er lette å lære opp, men det først kravet er at du
er smartere enn hunden.
For nesten 6 år siden støttet den Amerikanske regjeringen en forskningsrapport på hvorfor hodet på penis var tykkere enn selve penis. Det tok nesten to år og kostet nesten 500 000$ å finne svaret som lød: Penis hodet er tykkere en skaftet for å gi mannen mer glede av sex. Tyskerne var helt sikre på at dette forskningsresultatet ikke kunne være riktig, så de foretok sine egne undersøkelser. Det tok nesten 3 år, det kostet 600 000$ og resultatet lød: Hodet på penis har en større diameter enn selve penis for at kvinnen skal få større utbytte av sex. I polen hadde hoderystende sittet å sett på disse undersøkelsene, de var uenige med begge to og besluttet å gjøre sine egne undersøkelser. Det tok 3 uker med intensiv forskning og kostet like under 100$ og resultatet var entydig. Grunnen til at penishodet er større en selve penisen, er for å hindre mannens hånd fra å gli av, for da ville han bare slått seg selv i hodet….
Tre blonde menn står på elvebredden og lurer på hvordan de skal komme seg over. Den første ber til Gud om at han skal bli smartere slik at han skal forstå hvordan han skal komme seg over, Gud knipser og straks så er han blitt rødhåret og skjønner at han kan svømme over. Den andre ber så til Gud, han vil gjerne bli enda litt smartere, Gud knipser igjen, og mannen får sort hår. Han setter straks i gang å bygge en båt, slik at han kan ro over elven. Den tredje mannen er imponert over hva Gud har fått til, så han begynner også å be, han vil bli ENDA smartere. Gud knipser to ganger, vips, så er mannen blitt en kvinne og hun går over broen…
En dag i paradis kom Gud bort til Adam. Jeg har en dårlig og en god nyhet - Vel, la meg får den gode nyheten først, svarte Adam. - Vel, jeg har to nye organer til deg, det ene kalles en hjerne, den vil gjøre det i stand til å finne opp nye ting, løse problemer og du vil kunne føre intelligente samtaler med Eva. Det andre er en penis, den vil gi deg enorm nytelse og den vil gjøre det mulig for det å forplante deg, Eva vil elske deg enda høyere nå som du har disse to tingene. - Wow, hvilken nyhet kan du ha som kan overskygge de to gavene du nettopp ga meg, spør Adam. - Vel, du vil aldri være i stand til å bruke begge to samtidig…..
This explains it all
Why Men Pee standing up
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra
things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the
owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I
was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be
able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do.
Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited
little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so
badly, he should have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was
so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name
in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve,
"Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.